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Diary
of a
Training Consultant

2009 diary

Wednesday 24 December 2008
It's Christmas Eve. And when I say "eve" I really do mean the evening before Christmas. I am not talking about the fact that it could also refer to the whole day before Christmas. Anyway. It's Christmas Eve, just gone six. And you'd think everybody has packed up for the festive season or is sleeping in the bushes round the back of the office. But clearly not the Head of Airport Hospitality of London City Airport, who I've been in touch with recently following my suggestion for make-up mirrors in the ladies toilet. (Ever tried to put on mascara while leaning over sinks with automatic water taps?) So while I'm curled up on the sofa with a glass of something I receive a txt msg. "This afternoon I personally explained to 2 of our engineers your predicament and showed them where to place the mirrors in the 3 toilets of the Departure Lounge." Now here's a man who knows what a girl wants for Christmas!

Monday 22 December
One of last week's course participants sent back her happy sheet. Because you don't have to be sick to get better I always love it when I see comments under "Are there any parts which could be improved? If yes, please specify." Chocolate brownies with each cup of tea, she writes. Who said end-of-course evaluations don't have their purpose?

Saturday 20 December
Just opened the snail mail that arrived while I was away on business ... My latest Stakeholder Pension Plan statement, showing a massive drop in my fund value. A letter from my previous Dutch employer, informing me they have a pension fund deficit. And last, but certainly not least, an appeal against the council's decision to refuse planning permission for a gross overdevelopment of a relatively small area next door to us. On a positive note ... as of this coming Monday - for the next six months - the days will get longer! Illegitimus non carborundum est.

Saturday 13 December
We have to congratulate the media for talking all of us into a recession. Even the VAT man has taken measures to beat the current economic climate. And no, I'm not talking about the fact that I am spending my weekend repricing all my online "Buy Now" buttons because the Chancellor reduced the VAT from 17.5% to 15% citing that it would help stimulate the economy. (Yeah right. I'm now going to buy that latest gadget because I will save a whopping 3 pounds and 48 pence.) No. I'm referring to the fact that Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs - in line with the national policy of being ridiculous - no longer sends me a pre-paid envelope along with the VAT return form I'm filling in on this gloomy Saturday afternoon. OK, they still enclose an addressed envelope but it will be up to me - the taxpayer - to put a stamp on it. Here's a tip for HMRC ... the quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Tuesday 9 December
Just opened an email with the subject quick training. The message reads
"I am applying for a job which requires the following skills: In depth knowledge of LiveLink design; deployment and integration on multi-site Microsoft and SQL environment. Technical consulting and LiveLink Quality Assurance knowledge and experience. Experience of Installation & Configuration of Livelink Modules. In-depth experience of Livelink system workflow design and build. Could you give quick 1day training?"
One day?! Let's hope they've filled the job and that their ad is just a legal formality.

Friday 5 December
One of my trainers rings to say that a woman with a clipboard has just entered his hotel room - while he was half decent. And - ouch - I was to blame ... In order to avoid the absurd situation of him charging me and me charging the client I tend to settle his bills when I'm there as well. So when I checked out - early - this morning I paid for his room. Nuff said.

Monday 24 November
Got a phone call from somebody who wants to book a place on the next Excel Further Use course. Can she be invoiced rather than pay online? Sure! What are your details? The next minute or so is spent spelling her unusual surname. What? Say again! I'm sorry but I still didn't understand that. How many times would you feel comfortable to ask a person to repeat it? So Ms Surname-ending-with-tgen, can you please bare with us while we search your College's website for names sounding like yours.

Friday 21 November
"Again?", the receptionist says when I enter the customer's lobby. "You're like a permanent fixture!" she adds. I'd better warn her that, although I bend over backwards to keep my customers happy, I'm allergic to permanent. The last time I was made a fixture I resigned and set up my own company.

Thursday 13 November
One of this morning's delegates enters the meeting room and says "Are you British?" Although I feel it's a pretty weird question (oh dear, can she spot I shop in the UK?) I reply. "No, I'm Dutch. But I live in England." She looks puzzled. Turns out she asked "Are you Bridget?" (No, I'm Karen. And apparently I should have my ears checked.)

Thursday 6 November
Attended the Beginner Yoga class at the client's fitness club. Beginners, my a**e! I could just about cope with the "And now smile" bit.

Friday 31 October
Today was a trip down memory lane. Almost eight years after I left the 9-5 workforce I'm standing in for my successor's successor. Much to my surprise I still remember the course user ID's. If If only my short term memory was as good!

Tuesday 21 October
One of my clients has been looking at digital assistants to deliver essential messages on their web pages and possibly liven up the computer based training we developed. Although I'm personally not in favour of the female Professor Hawkins voice and I find the cartoon-like faces distracting, my e-Learning chappy has found himself an open source program and is trying to get his head around this functionality. "Unfortunately, I can't yet work out how to make it put any clothes on.", he emails. It certainly proves the point about distraction!

Tuesday 14 October
Following yesterday's training session in the sweltering heat I reported problems with the room's air conditioning. Today seems even worse, so I'm extremely grateful when the German air conditioning engineer comes to check it out. Before he finally admits there is indeed a problem he tries to explain - in a mixture of German and English - the amount of heat produced by a human body, the computers and the projector. (Apparently the total amount of heat produced over a period of time is equal to the total calories consumed minus any useful mechanical work performed. If a person consumes an average of 2400 kilocalories per day, the average heat produced is 100 kilocalories per hour or 116 watts.) Whatever! When he spots my lack of interest he dumbs it down a bit ... "Too many hot women in the room."

Friday 10 October
At some point during today's course I mount my hobby hourse and get the course participants to use the Windows key. You know, the one with the Windows logo on it, typically to the left of the ALT key. So I demonstrate WIN+L ... and cannot remember the password of the HR lady who logged me in before everybody arrived because the guest account wasn't working. Kerringe.

Tuesday 7 October
Got a letter offering (quote unquote) a new and PROFITABLE Revenue Stream. All I have to do is paste a range of scheduled soft skills courses, delivered across the UK, on my website. "Your clients, if looking for a scheduled course, can book via your website thinking that they are booking directly with you." They get charged 840 pounds per person, of which I get half. "No doubt you have some questions", the last paragraph of the letter reads. Yeah. Like, How do you sleep at night?

Thursday 3 October
End of a two day workshop and in his closing speech the project leader thanks everybody for his or her contribution. Everyone but me. So back in the office he pops over to apologize. "As long as I get paid", I say, tongue-in-cheek. "What do you mean?", he replies, also not meant to be taken seriously. (She said, hopefully.)

Wednesday 2 October
Ask any software trainer what the recommended maximum class size should be for a hands on, instructor-led session and - as long as they're not from Greedy Bastards Plc, charging per person rather than a flat day rate - the answer will be six. Or eight. Tops. So this afternoon's four (!) hour session with 40-odd delegates was never going to be easy. Add a version of the software they are unfamiliar with and projection screens on either side of the massive room and you have a recipe for disaster. Ladies and gentlemen, take your seats as I present something you won't be able to read or recognise.

Monday 22 September
It's 24 hours before my flight departure, but I seem unable to use the online check-in service of "the world's favourite airline". I try a bit later, but still cannot select my favourite seat. After some more unsuccessful attempts I notice I'm trying to check in for next week's flight. Next, I spend some time reading through umpteen email confirmations to find the one about the 23rd. Turns out I booked all my flights until the end of October, but forgot the one for tomorrow. So I make a last minute booking for a not-so-last-minute price. Tomorrow I'll fly cattle at first class fare rates. (Guess I'm missing a trick for my courses. In future, if people book the last place on one of my scheduled training sessions, I'll charge them triple!)

Sunday 21 September
After two weeks holiday in the world's second largest country - Canada - I got back to email messages from customers I wish I would have dealt with during my absence. OK, I found the occasional library with internet access and some of the larger hotels had a computer in the lobby, but I had missed a trick as every self-respecting national park offered free WiFi. So my plan for tomorrow: leggit to the nearest dealer and get myself one of those dinky little laptops. One hard decision left to make ... what colour? (They don't do orange!)

Tuesday 2 September
Woke up 15 minutes before the alarm was about to go off. As I'm up to my neck in work I decide to make my way to the client's office for an early start. When I arrive the lobby is packed with equally eager (or overworked) employees. Apparently the lifts are out of order and we're stopped by security staff. "No worries," I try. "I'm working on the third floor". Guess there must have been more going on than the alleged non-functioning elevators as I am not allowed to take the stairs. Wish I had stayed in bed 15 minutes longer.

Friday 29 August
Just got back from a Step class in my local fitness club, where I confused the hell out of the retired and unemployed community. "It isn't Saturday yet, is it?" one of them asked, wondering whether she had mixed up her days. Don't worry, guys. I have a day off!

Wednesday 27 August
Have to pay one of my associates but his bank account details were stored in my recently closed bank account. So I give him a bell. "Can you give me your sort code and account number, please?" I ask. To which he replies that he normally only gets these requests from the wife of the ex-Head of State of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Tuesday 26 August
Last year I opened a second business account. Early July I closed down one them, knowing that - although I will still pay more than I need to - at least I have the flexibility I require. Clever, I hear you say. But because you're smart doesn't mean you cannot act stupid ... a few days after I closed down the account I sent one of my customers an invoice asking them to credit my old account. Which they did. My old bank claims they sent the money back. The customer says they never got it. So who's sitting on the money? Well, without giving away too much about the banks involved I can tell you that if you google for "I hate HSBC" you get 659 hits whereas "I hate ABN AMRO" comes up with 6.

Wednesday 20 August
Hot off the press ... just published the ten computer-based training modules for my client. On schedule. And within budget. No mean task, but get one of your associates involved and Bob’s yer uncle. So call me a big softie, but I send him another thank you email to which he replies: "Congratulations to you, too! PS We have exchanged 236 emails on this project!!" Not that he was counting or anything.

Wednesday 13 August
Almost one and a half years ago we moved into the Sun House. (Or "Villa Sun" as one of the German regulars in the hotel bar referred to it last night.) Ever since, I've been trying to shift stacks of out-of-date stationery, crossing out the old address. But enough is enough and today they delivered our new materials. To hubby's office in town as I wasn't around. Turned out there were 31 (!) boxes. So he just sent me an email informing me he has signed up for the pay-as-you-go car hire service Streetcar. Those of you who know what car we drive ... feel free to smile. (But ditch it? Never!)

Tuesday 5 August
One of the (few) British members of staff in the client's office was talking about "cucumber time". Clearly this person has been working with foreigners long enough to correctly use the idiom to indicate the time of year when things slow down ... komkommertijd. Or Sauregurkenzeit as they say in this part of the world. So speaking the same language simply isn't enough and idioms are perhaps the most difficult part of learning a language. Some phrases are easier than others. (After all, if somebody asks you whether you are OK you don't really think they are interested in your health or well-being, do you? That is, unless the person asking is a doctor or a paramedic.) But the other day one of my German course participants used a classic one when she asked for a donkey bridge so she could easily remember something she just learned. Without any doubt Eselsbrücke (or Ezelsbruggetje as we say in Holland) is one of those phrases that cannot be translated literally into English.

Tuesday 29 July
Last week I received an email with an attachment. I did not know the sender, but obviously I never know any of my potential new customers, so that's nothing out of the ordinary. Yet, this time there was no text in the covering email apart from some sort of bilingual footer about the email being scanned for viruses. (Yeah, right!) So I did not open the Word attachment and simply deleted the email message.
This morning I got a phone call from somebody in Ireland (guess the part of the footer I didn't understand was gaelic) asking whether I had received their quotation request. The Irish tree-fellers-wanted joke springs to mind. (Two Irishmen saw the sign "Tree fellers wanted". The first Irishman said "If Pat had been with us we'd have got that job".)

Wednesday 16 July
Guess sooner or later even this self-confessed workaholic had to admit she needed a break. So I postponed the start of the development of the client's computer based training by three days and took some time out to look after numero uno. Day 3 and I'm starting to get used to this. But hubby isn't. When I want to leave the house it turns out he's locked me in. The Power of the Habit. (Or is he trying to tell me something?)

Thursday 10 July
As the average attention span of a course participant is not more than 20 minutes (for compulsive web browsers this has reduced to nine seconds - the same as a goldfish) the use of analogies can spice up the lesson to be learned and reinforce new concepts. So when I explain the software's breadcrumb navigation trail I compare it with Hansel and Gretel who leave a trail of crumbs to find their way back out of the forest. Often, some smart arse will point out that in the Brothers Grimm story the trail didn't work very well as the breadcrumbs were eaten by birds (somehow "white pebble navigation trail" doesn't sound right) but today someboy said I had mixed up my fairy tales. Apparently his mum had told him it was Little Tom Thumb - not Hansel and Gretel - who left a trail of breadcrumbs. Turns out we are both right.
And they lived happily ever after.

Monday 30 June
Left the house at 7.30 to make the 1.5 hour drive to the university where I'm running a course today. Got there bright and early. Switched on the PCs. Distributed the handouts. Then rang my contact to report a problem. "I'm here ..." I start. "You're supposed to be at our other campus", she interrupts my sentence. Three hours after I left the house I arrive at the university where I'm running a course today.
I don't want any fuss, but does anybody have some training needs in Cambridge?

Monday 23 June
After months of delivering training in the sweltering heat, the customer has finally moved us to an airconditioned building a bit further down the road. So even though today is hot and humid, the course participants are awake and alert. One drawback ... there are no catering services available and we have to do without the nice selection of cookies. So I feel like Sophie when asked by her sister who she likes best, daddy or chips. Daddy or chips ... daddy or chips ... daddy or chips... daddy or ... chiiiiiiiiips.

Wednesday 18 June
Got a phone call from one of my competitors. Can he hire my training room. Sure! I don't hold it against you that you got that contract I told you about. Anything else I can help with? Perhaps you want to know my two rules for success? Number 1. Don't tell everything you know.

Monday 9 June
"Are you missing us?", the customer asks jokingly. (I haven't shown my face for over a week and am catching up by phone.) He couldn't be further from the truth! Today work has started restoring our terrazzo floor and they're at it with an angle grinder. The noise - and dust - is unbearable and I'm ecstatic when the time comes to go to my meeting. Only to come back to a war zone. OK, men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but as Grand Design's Kevin McLeod's recently pointed out "... builders are from Pluto".

Saturday 7 June
I've had a horriby busy week driving around East Anglia and quite the last thing I needed was a letter from the Essex police about photographic evidence that I failed to comply with the speed limit. I can try to blame the client. I can say the vehicle was hired to another person. I can even say I wasn't the driver at the time of the alleged offence. But I guess aforementioned photographic evidence might proof otherwise. How annoying.

Friday 6 June
Since Monday the shower at home became progressively colder with an all-time low today. So I rudely awake hubby to check what's going on. "You're never at home during the week" he says, before continuing to explain that's why he had turned off the hot water. Well, even though more and more evidence is coming out to support the concept that starting the day with a cold shower is good for you, can you please make a mental note that I'll spend another week working from home? (Cold water therapy only works if done regularly, and takes about six weeks to kick in.)

Monday 2 June
Three weeks ago I made the decision to drive to one of my London-based customers. Bad idea. Even though I had allowed myself an hour extra, I arrived 45 minutes late. (There was me thinking that the congestion charge was designed to reduce traffic.) So today I'm back on the 6.45 to London King's Cross. OK, I had to make a not so traditional English mad dash to get a seat as we were faced with a reduced number of carriages, but hey, I arrived an hour early. Plenty of time to set up the training room at leisure. I even had time for a cuppa. (Or two!)

Monday 26 May
How silly can one get?! OK, since opening London Heathrow's Terminal 5 two months ago British Airways has experienced "some operational difficulties", but this was my chance to see the opulent airport lounge with its cinema, champagne bar, spa and Swarovski crystal chandeliers. Instead, I chose to fly with a different airline from Terminal 2. So I had to pay a small fortune for my breakfast and make do with a seat in the waiting area, which wouldn't have been so bad if we wouldn't have had an hour's delay. So that's how silly one can get!

Friday 23 May
Mein Gott! Spent the morning with somebody who did not speak English, so I had to dust off my school days German. Even though hubby's advice to simply speak Dutch with a German accent was more helpful than my dad's question about my German exam grade, I still felt like an extra in 'Allo 'Allo.

Friday 9 May
Today is the 130th day of the year. 236 days remaining until the end of the year. So what else makes this day so special? Well, on this very day in 1950 the first move towards the creation of what is now known as the European Union was made. The French Foreign Minister Robert Schuman presented a declaration calling France, Germany and other European countries to pool together their coal and steel production as "the first concrete foundation of a European federation". (Well, there you are.) And if you work for one of the European Institutions, you get the day off. So Happy Europe Day, folks! (No prizes for guessing I will have to work on Bank Holiday Monday.)

Thursday 24 April
At "the largest gathering of content management professionals in the region" the woman sitting next to me was wearing impossible high heels. Was, as she had kicked them off, causing a bit of a waft in my direction. During the break I am tempted to say something about it, but decide against it. Thank God, as it turns out she is one of the company directors and on the podium as the next speaker. (With her shoes on.)

Monday 21 April
I suffer from AAADD (Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder). It typically presents itself during middle age and is characterized by a persistent loss of reading glasses. So when last week's client rings to tell me they found my specs and whether to send them by courier, I inform her I already bought myself a new pair over the weekend. If only I can remember where I put them.

Thursday 17 April
Today's floorwalking duty takes me to a high security part of the building. An extra swipe card action and a phone call traps me in some sort of sluice, after which I can finally enter "Fort Knox" to start my round. And if you think they'd be glad to see the back of you ... the procedure to get out was even worse! A member of staff and myself had to swipe our cards at the exact same time while pressing one more button, which opened the pod once more so that I could finally open the door to get out. Nothing makes you want to go somewhere more than the knowledge that you're not supposed to be there.

Wednesday 16 April
The software we're rolling out doesn't handle accented characters very well, which obviously is a problem when you work for an organisation that employs people from 27 countries of the European Union, as every other surname you search for has ö, Ä, é, ß - or worse - in it. So this morning's discussion was about how to get accented characters out of an English keyboard. Alt+0123, 0228, 0233, 0252, 0223 etcetera (if I put on my anorak for a moment ... ascii codes) seemed a complete eye-opener for one of the team members, who dared to admit that up to now she used to "google" for German words so she could copy and paste the required characters. Bless.

Tuesday 8 April
Typically, three types of delegates turn up for training. Prisoners, who have been told to attend. Vacationers, who see it as a day out. (Don't expect them to arrive on time.) And the Student, who really wants to be there. But how about the Prize Winner? My client recently held a prize draw with various prizes to be won, one of which was a one-to-one training session with the undersigned. I am pretty sure she was after the MP3 player, but credit where credit is due ... the "lucky winner" clearly wasn't a prisoner or a vacationer.

Thursday 3 April
It's just gone 9 am and one of my course participants enters the training room, almost half an hour early. "Like the Germans with their beach towels", she says, putting down her notebook next to the PC closest to the projection screen. Surprise, surprise. I am not working for my German client today.

Monday 31 March
At lunch time one of my delegates offers to get me something to eat. As I've brought my own grub I kindly reject. "Aha!", he says. "You've heard about our canteen!"

Friday 28 March
My new role in the client's project has me working with a Belgian lady who speaks Dutch to me. Or rather, she speaks Flemish to me. And I can assure you ... that's not the same language. Whereas some of her phrases and sayings have me in stitches, the fact that my former southerly neighbours are gripped by a need to translate every foreign word often results in me simply not having a clue what she is talking about. "Blah blah Livelink blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Livelink blah blah blah blah blah. "

Tuesday 25 March
Apparently I had a pretty good holiday: upon arrival at my client's site it turned out I had forgotten my password. But worse ... I couldn't remember the pin code of my business card. Nor could I recall the trick I taught myself for remembering my pin code. So at the moment Karen is paying for everything, rather than Roem.

Thursday 20 March
Just got back from a long overdue holiday. And although I believe all work and no play is severely underrated, I made myself a promise not to check my email and voice mail. So I kept calm for ten days - apart from during the many dreams about work. Guess I was suffering from withdrawal symptoms. (Or was it last night's steak?)

Friday 7 March
End of one heck of a week. If it hadn't been for a long overdue root canal treatment I would have been non-stop binge-working. So I thanked my lucky stars for the tooth infection and almost fell asleep in the dentist's chair.

Friday 29 February
Traditionally the day when women can pop the question, today was meant to be a national day off to help reduce our carbon footprint. Obviously nobody thought of doing a reality check about what is possible for small businesses, so instead of doing the green thing one of my trainers and me had to fly back after a full week work in Germany. Do I feel guilty? Well, guess I've done my bit by not having kids.

Thursday 21 February
In the lobby of the centre I'm working today, an amber sign stating "heightened" indicates the current security alert status. I ask one of the course participants what the threat is. "Karen is in the building", he replies.

Tuesday 12 February
Day two of the institution's fair. I'm manning a stand to promote the electronic document and records management system, giving members of staff the opportunity to meet the expert. (Ahum!) The French project leader has instructed me to "animate" the stand, which makes me wonder whether perhaps there wasn't a t missing in his request for posers. But I digress. Here I am, animating the booth, when one of the big honchos makes an appearance. He's from the Netherlands so we swap to Dutch. Bad idea. Welcome to the weird and wacky (did I mention weird?) world of social anxiety. Do I say jij or u? Thank God I don't have to address the French or German employees in their own language. U or jij? Vous or tu? Sie or du? You it is!

Friday 8 February
As long as I can remember I've been skinny-challenged. (I was over 10 lbs at birth.) OK, at some point I was a controlled fat person, but living out of a suitcase with no gym in sight doesn't make passing the fatness test easy. Today, however, I don't have to find out how many sit-ups it takes to burn last night's meal out, as I have been asked to advertise the client's event by putting out brochures on each office floor. Suffice to say I'm in one of Frankfurt's tallest skyscrapers and have decided to start on the top floor ... and take the stairs. (Due to unforeseen circumstances I may have to cancel tomorrow’s urban rebound workout.)

Tuesday 29 January
Day 2 in my wine red dress and black boots. Who needs five different outfits and three pair of shoes if you can get by with a complimentary British Airways wash bag?

Monday 28 January
Left the house at 6AM. More than twelve hours later I check in to my hotel. No, I'm not writing this from America, Africa or some other exotic place. I'm in Germany. Dense fog led to cancellation of my flight from London City Airport. So I made my way to Heathrow where I spent an afternoon of "forced luxury" reading the papers. (And drinking champagne.) And although I finally got there … my luggage didn't.

Saturday 26 January
One of my networking chums sends me an email telling me he did not recognize my mug shot – the same as the one on this page - in Tuesday's Business section of the Cambridge Evening News. "It was a good bit of advertising yet I missed it completely.", he writes. So when should you change your publicity photo? Well, PR gurus recommend to have new ones taken every 5 years. That, or whenever your appearance has undergone a dramatic change. But neither of this is relevant. Or at least, I don't think it is. So be honest, should I tell him to get his eyes tested or is it time to hire a new PR photographer?

Saturday 19 January
Am I a victim of the 24/7 work culture? Well, I refuse to buy myself a crackberry, but I do check my email on a (more than) regular basis. So when - at 23:30 - I find an email from British Airways informing me tomorrow's flight to Frankfurt has been cancelled, I forward it to my associate who I had booked the trip for. Twenty minutes later I get an email saying Thanks. Got your message. Have re-booked flight. I love working with other victims!

Thursday 10 January
As a non-native speaker of English I encounter the occasional misunderstanding about my pronunciation. For my Dutch ears the way I say certain words sounds just fine, but there is often hilarity about the manner I utter words such as dog or duck, flag or flak, crab or … well, you get my drift. Taken out of context I can easily run into problems. Which is exactly what happened during today's Microsoft Access course. Using a fictitious personnel database I asked the course participants to create a query displaying anybody with a certain salary. It took some time for me to realise some of them were desperately seeking for a field called "celery".

Tuesday 1 January 2008
The start of my eighth year in business.
So what will this year hold in store? Well, according to one website, the business year will begin with certain disturbing trends and issues will be difficult and unsettled till end April. So I do what our good friend Mike does when he researches the weather before we go "Munro bagging" in Scotland and doesn't like the forecast on the internet ... he finds himself a different website. The year 2008 promises to be rich for Sagittarius natives. Jupiter, the planet of abundance, couldn't have had a better position than in Sagittarius' house of welfare.
Here's to a happy and successful New Year for all Zodiac signs!

2007 diary

Roem Limited
Cambridge, UK
tel: +44 (0)1223 - 214177
mobile: +44 (0)7941 - 848326
email: karen@roem.co.uk

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